This is probably a longish one in the world of blogs.
Take note of the title ” Sorry I will digress ….
So press on if your Game.
Don’t if your satisfied with a quick read and maybe a post of a cats vagina.
Yes, am well aware I used “cat’s vagina” in my last post.
Brilliant isn’t it !! Maybe this could be my signature tag !
Meryl Streep & Me .
I like to think I’m a bit mysterious and intelligent and well frankly secretly more beautiful than my outward appearance reveals.
Ok, an explanation may be needed at this point hence you are thinking, wow this chick is really up herself and I dislike her already I can assure you I’m so not ! ( up myself ) so feel free to like me.
As with many, well most, well actually all people I suspect, what you see ain’t necessarily so. Though again I feel a need to explain ( yeah yeah I know I haven’t explained the first bit yet.) One of the best things someone has ever said to me about me ( It’s all about meee!! ) is that they saw me as a person that if I liked someone I was their friend. Not for what I could get, not to be seen with the popular people. Not for any other reason. Even if sometimes they weren’t that friendly toward me if I liked them I liked them and that was that. I liked that about me a lot. So rest assured when I say ” what you see ain’t necessarily so” I’m not meaning falseness I’m meaning we’ve all got way more going on in our pretty little heads than any one can ever fathom.Yes obviously, I didn’t say this was a light bulb moment !!
Ok, explaining why I think I’m more beautiful underneath it all. ( wow !! I have to stop sounding so up myself !) Last blog I mentioned ( a few times ) that I want to write, that I’m waiting to be discovered… well, it’s not just writing that I hang all my whimsical hopes upon I am also awaiting the magical day I finally become …… a rodeo clown !!!!!!! Ok, Ok … Too far ??? well no the truth is I also have a little hankering to be an actress ( this bit isn’t meant to be funny. ) A true actress. A Meryl Streep, a Shirley Maclaine, a Dianne Keaton type actress not just a movie star!!but here is where my dream comes crashing down a bit, well, pretty much, I’m not.
Let’s not get silly here people. I’m not heartbroken. I don’t stand gazing out the window drinking my brandy, swirling the ice cubes and dreaming of a life that never was, whilst I slowly pull out my hair and go bald with madness.
I won’t portray my younger life as tragic but I will say it was a bit sad, quite dysfunctional, a lot distressing and not really a good time . So because my parents were still trying to work out a lot of dysfunction from their own young lives. for their children this didn’t leave a lot of room for discovering dreams, following dreams and achieving dreams. On the scale of neglect of children we were on the low side but we were on the scale and it has left some scars.
My brother and I have said we always feel like we are playing catch up with life. Just surviving at first but slowly, once we built lives for ourselves allowing time for , what now ? It has to be noted my darling brother has taken hold of this notion with both hands, feet and well his whole big beautiful self actually !! never have I known a person fit so much of their passion into a very successful life. Beautiful family, important career, traveller of the world, photographer, writer and entrepreneur! not necessarily in that order. He is an all round good guy who just excels !
It’s only been the past few years really I have allowed a bit of “It’s ok Nat. I have never been working toward a career I have had jobs that have always allowed me to attend things that were on at school, never had to bring work home and have made some good friends. My career is my family full-stop. My family is thriving, I have a husband that loves me and is still here after 20 years ( well it’s rare these days ) So at 48, I can exhale and look for What now ?
I have only lived in two smallish towns in country/coastal NSW in my life. So came to terms quite happily a long time ago that being whisked off by Baz Lurhman to be his next muse probably wasn’t going to happen. I am still getting to the explanation of why I’m more beautiful underneath . I’m struggling to explain it actually . ( cause obviously it’s quite deep. ) See, my clumsy thoughts are: Yes , I have a dream to be an actress / writer / rodeo clown ….. seems a silly dream for someone living in a small town who works in a bookshop and has no access to anyone or anything remotely connected to Baz Lurhman but I have had a small ( very small ) “go ” at our local Players Theatre. This is most definitely a work in progress people that I would love to share more with you as it goes on cause truly having never done anything like it before, like never ! I truly suck. I’m very shy about it, quite reserved really and totally not comfortable. It’s very different than being in my lounge room where I am always fabulous !!! So this is not profound , We all know it, but ( here’s the beautiful explanation !)
Having dreams is beautiful.
Being grateful is beautiful.
Keeping joy in your heart is beautiful.
Thinking weird thoughts that make only you smile is beautiful.
So you see I’m not really up myself at all !!
but I’m willing to give this theatre thing a go and see if one day it does become more familiar and I can relax more maybe try out for a proper part, speaking and everything !! and for me that will be a success, that will be joyful, that will be a dream achieved. and I will be, beautiful.
Dream on you beautiful dreamers.
” You are never too old to set another goal or to
dream a new dream. ” – C.S.Lewis.